In
Lithuania’s sketchiest tattoo parlor, allergies and infections are the least of
the customers’ concerns. Of course, a group of entitled tourists’ combination
of stupid hipsterism and a crushing lack of intuition is just asking for
trouble. The mystery “Artist” will duly oblige in Devon Downs & Kenny Gage’s
torture corn Anarchy Parlor (trailer here), which opens this
Friday in limited markets.
Somehow
Amy and her friends managed to graduate from college, so they are now partying
it up in style. By far, her dumbest friend is the human embarrassment called
Brock, who is inexplicably picked up at a party by Uta, a goth tattoo apprentice-artist.
Against all common sense, Amy tags along when Uta takes Brock back to her
master’s establishment. Amy wants a tattoo, so heck, no time like the present.
Naturally, the Artist is happy to oblige, taking quite the shine to her. She
has great skin, don’t you know. As we fully expect, she and Brock quickly find
themselves strapped to tables with sharp pointy objects headed their way.
Eventually,
Amy’s friends will realize they have not returned, but first there will be
plenty of graduation sex. During the search, time will also be taken to visit a
high-end strip club, sort of the way O.J. Simpson would search for a mysteriously
missing girlfriend. At least that allows the casting of British pin-up model Joey
Fisher as Zala the “exotic dancer.”
As
horror films go, Parlor is pretty
lame and awfully conventional, especially in the wake of more ambitious
releases like It Follows, Spring, and
We Are Still Here. This is your basic
strap the victims down and go at it kind of exploitation fare. In fact, the
narrative is especially weak, forcing characters to do things that make no
sense in hindsight, just for the sake of audience misdirection.
Still,
one can see why Parlor was conceived
as a vehicle for the heavily inked Robert LaSardo. He is certainly distinctive
looking and has an intriguing presence. A Navy veteran, LaSardo has also appeared
in Touched by an Angel and Ghost Whisperer, so you can’t say he
doesn’t have range. He was also in Human Centipede 3, so Parlor isn’t even
his worst film. Some up-and-coming genre filmmaker could definitely build a
horror franchise around him, but this is not it.
